Day 6.

164.5lbs. I’m still puking my guts up every morning, but I’ve learned not to eat much in the mornings when it’s worse, and that if I lie perfectly still for at least a half hour after eating (at least an hour if I ate some thing solid) I won’t puke it right back up.

I laughed out loud at something stupid this morning, and felt the tightness that’s been in my chest all week loosen just a little. I’ve gotten over the initial shock, I think, and have started processing my feelings a little.

I still have this gut-wrenching feeling of having failed. It feels like my heart got run over with a giant piece of farm machinery (something like this hay baler, perhaps?). I still can’t believe how awful I feel and I’m still reeling from the realization that even though I gave this relationship everything I had, even though I faced down so many monsters, so many fears and doubts and insecurities so that I could give myself to someone else as fully and unreservedly as possible, even though I communicated as honestly and openly as I could no matter how tired or how hurt I was, even though I loved him with all my strength, all that still wasn’t enough, and now we’re done.

Thanksgiving

My parents’ divorce is a Godzilla in the Tokyo of my life. And the fucker just smashed Thanksgiving into so much scrap metal. The thing is, though I’ve spent the last hour alternating between weeping in an armchair, sobbing on the floor, and crying under the covers, I am grateful for those tears, because not so long ago, I would have been in the living room smiling as hard as can be, wearing long sleeves to cover the band-aids on my arms and drinking a glass of sparkling cider to wash away the bitter aftertaste of stomach fluids that self-induced vomiting leaves in your mouth.

Thoughts While Perusing My OKCupid Matches For 4 Hours

1. Why have you posted a picture of yourself with another girl on your dating site profile? It does not make me think you are cool, nor does it make me want to contact you. It makes me think you are stupid/lame. I am clicking away from your profile as fast as possible.
2. DAMN YOU ARE HOT. Wait, you’re 27? Why are you so old? Did I not specifically state that I am interested in ages 18-23? Why would OKCupid present me with something so utterly darling, totally delicious and then rip it away from me?
3. What douchebag sunglasses!
4. Why does everybody on this site love sushi? I hate sushi.
5. Why do you have a picture of you with 5 girls? See #1
6. That is not a profile. That is just a bunch of pickup lines strung together, masquerading as a profile.
7. I was halfway through writing a message to you when I noticed you “actively dislike children” Message deleted.
8. You are kissing a yellow flower in your profile pic. Why?
9. You look just like that guy I didn’t mean to have sex with that one night.
10. There is more product in your hair than hair on your head. Change your profile pic.
11. Your username is J-Nasty420. The answer is no.
12. I guess it’s good you know what you’re looking for, but might I suggest removing that last bit, where you say I should only message you if my thighs don’t rub together when I walk? That kinda comes across really, really badly
13. You’re a model? Really?
14. Are you sure you’re a model?
15. Your primary long-term goal is to build a submarine. You sound really cool. I want to be your friend, but I don’t think I want to see your penis.
16. Dude, are you from Budapest or something? I can’t figure out why, but your profile makes me think Budapest.
17. Wow, you are sooo my friend Amary’s type

Best Friend

A few days ago, I happened upon an interesting realization about myself; for the first time since I was four, I have no best friend. Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of friends to hang out with, and a double handful of really good friends that I can call in a crisis and talk to about anything, but I don’t have a single, individual best friend.

This is weird for me because my whole life, I have been half of a pair, one of twosome that everyone knew and nobody questioned. In elementary school, it was Hannah. We met on the 1st day of kindergarten. On the 4th day we traded bracelets, and we were inseparable until 13, when we were split up to attend different high schools. Hannah and I stayed (and still are) good friends, but the geographical distance (approximately 40 miles) meant that the role of my day-to-day best friend was empty. I didn’t have to wait long, though. By the end of freshman orientation, everyone knew that Shoree and Sarah were a package deal. Other friends came and went, as they tend to do in high school, but Sarah and I faced all the bad fashion choices, embarrassing moments, desperate crushes, and gut-wrenching college rejections together.

It’s funny to realize how much I have been defined by whose best friend I am. This realization has prompted another realization; as much as I miss having a best friend, I miss being a best friend even more. Lately, I’ve found myself grieving that old me, who never had to look frantically around when told to pair up, who had one phone number memorized from calling it so often, and who knew exactly where her loyalties lay.

It’s really, really scary to realize that I have lost that comfortable, safe identity. I could say that I’m excited to discover who I am when I’m on my own, or that this it is an opportunity for personal growth. Intellectually I know these things are true. Inside though, the little part of me that will always be a 7 year old girl, the part of me that writes these entries, just wants to know why it is that when she holds out her hand, there is no one else’s hand there the way there used to be.

Things That Make Me Cringe And Twitch Violently

• People with the tag sticking out of the back of their shirt neck
• Dr. Pepper
• The scum ring that grows in the toilet at the water line
• Mold growing on leafy green vegetables
• People who don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube
• The smell of licorice
• Japanese food
• Old toothbrushes with bristles pointing in all directions
• Blue Jolly Ranchers and Slurpees
• 48 Hours Mystery

A Quiet Kind Of Bliss

This week has been full of unexpected moments of contentment and peace, the kind of moments that bipolar disorder takes away in a manner so sneaky, you don’t really notice those moments are gone until you get them back. I remember the first week after I came out the hospital, I was blown away by the realization that is was possible to have multiple good days in a row. In the same way, I’ve found myself caught by surprise over how good food can taste, how fascinating people are, how vibrant colors can be (especially flowers!) and how peaceful it can be to be alone and quiet, without being plagued by the constant chatter in my head, of to-do lists and anxious what-ifs and heavy, gray depressing thoughts. It sounds so silly and cliched to say, but I feel like I’ve just woken up, and the world is far more beautiful than I remember it ever being.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

My doctor recently switched me to Zyprexa, a medication that does a really good job of keeping me sane, but has the nasty side effect of rapid weight gain. I went up nearly 20 lbs in two weeks and it’s been really rough. I feel like I’m getting reacquainted with my whole body. It moves differently, it’s a different shape, and when I look in the mirror, I just look odd to me. It feels like it isn’t me, almost.

It’s been messing with my head a little. I’m a short girl, so the weight shows and I can’t fit into a lot of my old clothes. Yesterday I tried on what used to be one of my favorite, most flattering shirts and nearly burst into tears, because all I could think was that I looked pregnant. I’m trying to move past denial, so I bought some new pants, finally, and have grudgingly retired the skinny jeans I was squishing myself into.

I just keep reminding myself that it IS worth it. The depression, the crippling anxiety, and the mood swings that make me non-functional and land me in the hospital are all but gone, and I haven’t felt this stable in years. I can live with 20 lbs if it means I get to be back in control of my life.